i dont expect anything, just plain sincerity.

dear t,

how have you been lately? its been 4 years since we were together. the pure ignorant little girl back then has now all grown up, wild and free. being 4 years apart, we have all grown older hopefully more mature and deep down we could never return back to how we were like anymore...return back to the ignorant world.

apart from birthday wishes, we never really much talked. back then, those wishes set forth for you...still meant for you. to be really happy and blessed.

without us parting, i will never learn and appreciate people and things that i have took granted for. without us parting, i will never know this world is actually not so nice not so beautiful as it paints. but being not so beautiful and nice, it is up to me to create and beautify all these imperfections.

i thanked you then, i continue to thank you now.

and really hope, you be truly happy for what it is worth. no one should be suffering for any reason. the world is never fair, but with your ability, it definitely can create wonders. count more blessings than misfortune, life will seem more beautiful than you can imagine.

xxxx,
S

the message that came through was a harsh reality. it was definitely a growing stage. it is like being mirror-lized.

A, which happened to be my staff who had some family issues. and i guessed i stepped in being too much informal that the least respect i should be getting is not there. being nice and sincere should never be taken advantage of. but this young girl despite me telling her never gets through her head. i am left so speechless, i got to pen it down.


i wonder what went wrong with me doing ops.

1. it took away weekends. look im a sagi who needs social life. but nope i allowed myself to be taken away.

2. work have been like 24/7. and it's cos i don plan and manage properly? seriously? i stepped in the company with no experience and i am already managing 40 staffs? seriously? and i got to see the boss n accounts' faces. look i know, welcome to the real world. but who look at me and think what it is like being in my shoes?

3. i worked hard. but what did i get in returns? im not even asking for a pay rise or neither expecting anything out of it. but who would understand. i don have to come in the company and understand everyone's working style. look, i am being threatened times and times again. i definitely learnt a lot but i don think i am exactly happy, i think.

4. everywhere work is the same? i really don think so. the ultimate is still the money. but hey, money is not everything to a sagi. i like being carefree. and fuck it if you feel im not responsible. cos goddamn it, this whole responsibility is taken to a whole new level.


X spoke to me and told me what went wrong hearing from Z, and doubted my work and her recommendation. and that was the last thing i was expecting to hear. the morale has gone right to the ground. it is so hard to pick it up with someone new stepping in tomorrow and more to come.


A; being young and ignorant. she made me feel like shes so neglected in her family. but shes still so young definitely not matured at this level. being mirror-lized; X felt the same way about me. but what X really know about me? likewise, A.



got to snap it out and get it to a whole new level. i promised it would be done. nicely done till i take my leave and never return.

this is my first time feeling de-valued; feeling i can never have the best words to express myself or prove myself otherwise.

i have really tried working very hard already, but not being appreciated and keep demanding for more brings my morale down.


economy is bad. and being so high maintenance; i got to stick to me.


so underpaid. but what can i do? :

“I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can’t tell fast enough, the ears that aren’t big enough, the eyes that can’t take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

Does time really heal what reasons can't?

go youtube the title, it's one of my favourite song. at least for now, its on the replay...both version be it the remix or the acoustic never fail to touch my heart. im loving it...


CNY is coming!! a good break for let's say 5 days? though im still working through the phone every single day apart from cny day 1 which the outlets don open. work have been taking a toll on me ever since i stepped in dec 2011. i'm like a workaholic! its work & home. apart from it, im shopping A LOT! probably because my school fees burden no longer exists? i am actually more easy with my money, i spent things easier without holding back. and i am looking at better quality stuff especially with me no more going back to sch, with fingers crossed.

work may be tough and stressful but i am enjoying the learning process. the learning curve in this role has taken me to another level. and things i would not expect for myself to be doing it actually happened. the transition of taking over a management definitely not easy. i have people hating me. and i know where they come from, i am known for being bossy, strict and demanding. but i set forth my standards high enough to make things easier to run smoothly. somehow i hope for you part-timers to step in my shoes to feel for me but there is no need for such purposes. sometimes, there is no need for me to explain any of my actions yet i cant get over it. sometimes, i get too busy i forget to reply the text messages, but not that i don want to, but it slipped my mind. but who understands?


so 2012 had been rather laid-back, or you can label me as workaholic/shopaholic! and with insurance to pay, i proclaim February a poor month for me. even so, i can never stop myself from constantly buying stuff. i want to live better, allow my parents to be better.


im working so hard, that i want a pay raise already! wahahahaha! my money-minded boss is a multi-billionaire! and he owns a Ferrari!! despite all, i am thankful how open i can be and straight-forward with all my thoughts. he too, being very straight-forward allowed me to learn better. definitely not a 9-5 kind of girl. but i am like this now, desk bound yes. and if you don know what im doing; i am an operation executive in the Fnb industry. the opportunity to be very creative with my thoughts and ideas. my boss is always up for anything.


so much about work and shopping.
friends in 2012; met up with the girls at lou's place. its really nice of her to offer up her place. i definitely hate the cleaning part, i totally understand where shes coming from. so much chit chat session, guitar-heros and wii session!! and kfc cu, pizza for the gathering. and lastly the drinking game which i forgot the name. the annual meet up with everyone ended with all of us laughing heading home in the rain. yes in the rain, luckily richard drove and dropped us at the bus stop. and it was home sweet home on that faithful sunday.

that very faithful sunday morning was spent at the temple seeing the old folks there for cny. its an annual event which i took part too last year...such events allow me to put my guard down allow myself to be not so fierce and uptight with everything esp when i set the standards high.


the post may seem very long already but i realised i have yet to touch on my 21st.


just a little to share, it turned out fine and well. but the entire party allowed me to see a lot better who would be there to help you and be appreciative of your presence in their life or for those who would take advantage of this event. the word friend had been taken too lightly the past 21 years. and this 2012, im taking the step back. the past 2 saturdays were spent at home. im so homely that its unlike me. have i mention, i have yet to party this year! and i am mj-ing a lot lesser than in the past i used to. it was either mj or party. but this year, its the dramas and me at home. and work goes on...i don really want to know how far or how long i would stay for the fact i don stay long at one place. but i just want to enjoy this journey, take and learn as much as i can.


to end off, let me share the lyrics thats on my replay now: dash berlin - better half of me

Broken promises die, like roadkill
Their on the side of the street
Concrete casualties of love
Chewed up and spit out
Raise high then dropped down
And now I don't know what's left of me.

(but)I'll collect myself and crawl through the shadows.
Reach up my hands to the sky and shout out
I'll never make these same mistakes again.
Cause someone up there holds the key to my heart
I'd do everything to tear it apart
By never allowing myself to let you win.

When all I want is for you to see.
The side that I don't show to anyone in fear that they may turn and run.
Alone and incomplete,
No more tears to cry and no more blood to bleed.

I'll fall forever endlessly
When you should be the ground beneath my feet
The better half of me.

When all I want is for you to see
The side that I don't show to anyone in fear that they may turn and run.
Alone and incomplete,
No more tears to cry and no more blood to bleed


goodnight beautiful people! <3

time flies.

2011 swept pass.

i felt i was too nice a person in 2011. and now 2012 is a bitch...things can just get worst before it gets better. but what can i say?

im not nice, i don want to be a nice person.
stop comparing, cos i am nothing like them.
do not play punk with me, i do not care if you like me, go on and bitch about me.

i do not think like what others think of you.
i decide what my eyes see!


the show goes on with or without you.
and this time i will not retain you!


i shant complain and act like a loser in front of boss because of you!!

so much of friendship talks, hope we will never have to drift apart from each other.

though i'll be bringing work for the trip later, i anticipate it. its the first "triples" trip tgt with cas bf.


november has been very hectic and busy. school work becomes a bitch. :<

ive finally left the company = no work = no income! :<

planning for birthday = no fun. :<


hope the trip later would bring a great start for november.



to end this post, i would like to say, ilovemyfamily! <3

listening to some korean song that sounds really sad.
hearing such songs allowed me to feel sad too.
but im far from being emo, im just a very emotional person which reminds me how human i am.


i don know what life has got for me, but im out there to create and make it happen for myself i guess.
this life i take into my own hands, i don know what i want for myself too.
i just wish to travel as much as it allows me to.

and not knowing what i want, really do not entitle me to know what job to look out for.
ive tried so many, so many.
one of friend told me recently, in fact just monday, how interesting she finds my life is and she asked if i was tired? ironically, she thinks that i was someone who prefers being single. and i was reading this article not long ago, being happy on your own. and then very long ago, i rmb posting something like, i worked so much, so hard was to occupy the time and space for me not to feel that lonely feeling. but the article, reminded me what was like to be happy on my own, your partner, my future partner is just an additional part of my life. but being truly happy on my own is another thing. the conversation i had with my friends got on with so much of life. i always felt my life was pretty boring, im all covered with work and school, that took a lot of dramas away from life. in fact, i do not fancy drama. and i concluded everything was social influence. and unlike back those days with no facebook, no twitter, no social media, no whatsapp, relationships were pretty much intact without those. but what creates us was also with such social media. being so socially influenced, that my friends are all settled with those partners so happily, having so many future plans, i had none. the emptiness, i felt it.

but at the flip side was, while being so socially influenced, while i envied and wanted something like the life like theirs, some probably wanted mine. and i have another friend telling me, i was probably one of those child that all parents want to have. so life works with 2 sides; there will always be a good and a bad side to it. each individual leads a total different life. i have too many shortfalls for me to work harder, yet i experienced a lot more. and probably, life is really good now. i just got to finish up my studies, decide or work a bit more to know what i really want? i cant wait for my fees to be all paid up to really start saving or at least get to spend on myself a bit more or people around me? and at this point of time, just doing what i really want to do cause i know i really can do it if i want, i do not just want to dream and talk, i like the feeling of making it work.

my choice to see the flip side of the coin that shows positive.
laugh harder than you worry!